after crit

Final crit is over. It went alright and it could have been a fairly pleasant closure to the end of my third year. But no........ I had to be one of the lucky ones to be placed on trial again. External crit by RIBA. A sad fragment of our colonial past. An irrational need for the school to seek approval. The crit was over in a snap and I feel like someone just stabbed me in the heart, letting me struggle indefinitely before ending everything by pulling out the knife. There's nothing more I can do now and the sentence will be passed in my absence.

It has managed to erase any feeling of contentment and confidence I have about my own aptitude. I feel disturbed and lost. It has once again placed doubt over my future as an architect.

I seem to be losing the enthusiasm and passion that I used to have. Perhaps I'll be better off being a sales assistant after graduation, no worries, less brain power and opportunity for a life outside of work.

I am still critical of everything I see, maybe it is a sign that I still have something in me. When I stop criticizing and accept whatever is presented before my eyes is the time, I'll know its time to consider other career options. I can still feel the rails under my carriage but a fog looms in front of me. I can only take it step by step, everything is beyond my control now.